Hear Me Roar

Have you ever had the dream where you scream and nothing comes out? You feel so helpless and empty and invisible. This is my one recurring dream. There are always different reasons for screaming, but I can never scream in my dreams. Can you relate?

I imagine this has something to do with a subconscious lack of control in any given situation.

Today was an emotional day, for no real reason in particular. I can blame hormones from nursing or postpartum, or undiagnosed anxiety, or mild depression that I was never given meds for, or just situational broke-the-camel's-back sort of crap for first-world problems. It makes me feel guilty that I can just sit and bawl over such dumb little things, when others are experiencing real suffering.

We had an appointment for Grace today because apparently 2 year olds need lead tests?  We made the appointment for the lab and arrived 5 minutes early with the 4yo, 2yo, and baby in tow. There was not space in the waiting room, which reeked of urine, so we were happy to wait in the hallway with the door open. After digitally and manually checking in, we played hokey-pokey and a few other games. I was trying to keep the kids entertained while distracting then from all the crazy people there. One kid started saying bad words, so my 2yo started repeating them. Ugh.

It had been over 20 minutes past my appointment time before I went to remind them we had been waiting. Now, I am always kind and courteous and usually give people the benefit from of the doubt. But the combination of my daughter learning cuss words, the smell of urine, my baby screaming at the top of his lungs because he missed nap time, and waiting in the hallway 20 minutes after the appointment made me lose it.

She told me there was one patient ahead of me and then they would call us back. I raised my voice and told her our appointment was already passed and why did I make an appointment if you're not going to honor it and I have three crazy kids here and that's not going to work for me. She told me I could be next, but I told her I was done. I couldn't do it anymore. And I walked out.

That was my silent scream.
I felt like no matter how loud I was, no matter what I said, it had no effect on the situation. It simply didn't matter.
I got in the car and started bawling.

The four year old said, "Mom, I don't want to hear you whine. You should go to your bed and whine. It's weird for me." Hahaha. I told him, "right back atcha buddy." And then I went to bed.